Friday, May 22, 2009

Symphonic Thoughts

They used to rehearse in a Senior Citizen center in downtown Van Nuys, and in the summer of 1986 I moved out of my parents’ house and into an apartment on the same street that the orchestra rehearsed! I was extremely poor back then and so I decided not to get phone service. I used to have to walk to a payphone when I needed to make calls! (Anyone remember payphones? This was in the days of horses and buggies, of course, when I was young). One Tuesday night in the Fall of 1986 I was walking down the street to use a payphone when I heard an orchestra playing in the senior center. I knew it was the West Valley Symphony, and knew that they rehearsed there. I decided to walk into the room and listen for a few minutes, and as soon as I walked in, the principal oboe player began to jump up and down, pointing at me and excitedly talking to the other players. The wind manager at that time motioned for me to come over to him, and asked if I was available to play their upcoming concert! They were very unhappy with the bassoon player who they had subbing for their regular principal bassoonist. The regular, Sam Mood, it seemed, was actually very, very sick with a fairly new and deadly disease that had begun to ravage the homosexual population. Sam was gay. Sam was dying of AIDS.

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Dark? Well, yeah, that's Steve!

And the space between posts gets wider and wider. Why do I always do this? Why can I never follow through on things?

Oh, so the title of this post. Many years ago, one of my friends said to another (apparently, I was told by the other later), "wow. Steve can be so dark sometimes"! The friend who told me about it said that he just replied, "Dark? Well, yeah, that's Steve"! It has been pretty consistent in my life. Oddly, as consistent as my silliness and sense of humor on the other side of things. But so -

So what's going on. What is going on is too much darkness! I'm almost 45 years old and repeating the same childish patterns of insecurity, inability to believe in myself and follow through on any dreams I might have. Patterns of irresponsibility with money and credit. The amount of debt I have allowed myself to incur kills me. There's no room for saving up anything. I look around and see some of the same "hand me down furniture" that I moved out of my parents house with some 25 years ago or so. A cobbled together collection of stuff, here and there splattered with purchases of my own which were foolish.

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Friday, August 8, 2008

Holes

I can't believe its been three months since I last posted here. I had such noble and enthusiastic plans to keep this updated when I began the blog. But alas, life goes by very quickly and there's always so much to do it seems. I seem to be in a perpetual state of, "Stop the World; I Want to Get OFF"!!! But as busy as I get, there's always something lacking. What's with this empty space? Its not a "God shaped hole", I have God in my life. Oh, there's issues there I suppose. I don't feel as close as I have in the past. Definitely struggling there, but is that the whole of it? I think its more of a "best friend shaped hole"; could be a "life-partner shaped hole" or at least a "sexual fulfillment shaped hole". (That REALLLY didn't come out right!)

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Sunday, May 4, 2008

Reflections on a Life Cut Short

It's been a real long time since I've posted anything here, and I have to be better about that. And now, the first thing I'm going to post in over two months is rather dark and heavy, and intense. But here goes, I feel a need to share these thoughts with whatever audience has found my blog and is "listening". (Wondering if there is anybody out there!)

It was a tough week last week. Through my own emotional challenges a suicide in my AA community was hanging like a dark cloud. I was feeling very fragile, and anxiety and depression were overwhelming. When I'm in a "suicidal depression", I always come back to how selfish I know suicide is; though I am not now, nor have I been, feeling angry or upset about the selfishness of the one who killed himself. I "get" his pain.

I get it, with this guy; because I get not just his need to kill himself but I identify with the alcoholic/addictive element that is part of the package, or was, with him. I so want to alter my reality....to go back to those times of being so high on a drug! Forget alcohol. I want to drop some acid or something. Just go inside, and yet so far away. In search of some kind of feeling, I guess.....in the absence of any ability within myself to feel loved, by anyone else or to love myself or to feel God's love.

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Cruel Christianity

There is a new movement afoot among a segment of Christians in California, called California Exodus. Their goal is to have all Christians leave the public school system, both students and teachers. The reason? The straw that apparently broke this camel's (ass's?) back is that despicable foe of all that is Christian, us deviant homosexuals! Here's a sampling of the verbiage spewed forth on their website:

"Governor Schwarzenegger recently signed a package of public school legislation that represents a complete reversal of 2,000 years of Christian moral teaching on human sexuality, family, and marriage. This is to be accomplished by using the California public school system to indoctrinate children to accept homosexual and other sexually deviant lifestyles as normal and morally acceptable, beginning as early as pre-kindergarten and continuing as long they are in California's public schools"

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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Cows Will Come Home, But We Ain't Waitin'!

The use of the phrase, "when the cows come home", to refer to something that is not too quickly forthcoming strikes a contrast to another phrase, "when heck freezes over" (okay, I know its not "heck"!). The latter implies that something is simply not ever going to happen; the former that it will, but its going to quite possibly take a very long time! The name of this blog refers to something that is probably going to take a very long time, namely the full acceptance of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, trans-genders, et al, by society, and particularly by Christians. Even more specifically, the full acceptance that one can be gay and Christian! But the fact that the name of the blog is not "When Heck Freezes Over" means that there is, in my estimation, hope that this acceptance will come! (And I still know the word is not really "heck").

Yes, I believe that one day the world, even the USA, will fully accept us homosexual folks. One day we will have complete equal rights and no one will say we have "special rights" and complain. One day we will have marriage equality. One day Christians everywhere, even here in the USA, will accept us and realize that the Bible doesn't really tell them what they once thought it did about us. One day no one will contest the fact that we can be both gay and Christian, and no one will question if we are truly Christian, or truly saved, if we continue to be homosexual after we accept Christ as our Lord. One day. When the cows come home. Who knows when, or how long.

But guess what? Those of us who are gay, and know Jesus, we aren't waiting for those cows to get home!

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

This is "so L.A."!

I had to be in Koreatown today to sign up at an employment agency. I mapquested it, and saw that there was a Metro subway stop right near it, so I decided that I would take the subway! I haven't actually ridden it yet. I've been thinking that I really ought to start thinking in terms of taking it when there is a stop near where I'm going, you know, to maybe do a little more to help the environment, etc. But if you have a car in this town and are not completely dependent upon the Metro system, including the good old fashioned buses, you really don't want to deal with said good old fashioned buses; you drive to the subway station and take it from there! Which is actually kind of silly.

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